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The Lab Coat (31 May 2009 at 14:37)
How to use a lab coat


This year the graduating CS Ph.D. students got lab coats among their gifts, replacing laser-engraved knick-knacks and other garbage with irony, as we should do whenever possible. Since I am an alumnus, illustrator at large, and known to wear a lab coat when pretending science, I found myself in charge of making this instruction sheet to go in the program, so that the students know what to do with their new clothes. It seems a lot of people didn't end up seeing this, oh well, but now you can take a look whether you got Ph.D. or not. It says:

Shortly after your friends get over addressing you as "Doctor <lastname>" (this is mostly ironic and will probably only last a day or two) you will find out that you do not actually get any additional respect for having a PhD. Most of the people you know already have one. When say you're a doctor, real people think this means medical doctor, which can result in uncomfortable questions. You'll even start to feel guilty when you select the prefix "Dr." from the drop-down menu when filling out your address online, beginning to suspect that this indulgence is not intended for doctors of philosophy, whatever that even means. People can sense this self-doubt like dogs can smell fear, which reduces their esteem for you further. However, in a pinch, there is a universal symbol of scholarship and stature available: the Lab Coat. It is easy to use. Simply by wearing it, you will be perceived as having the dignity of a medical doctor, scientist (the kind with test tubes), or dentist. This means instant respect. So: Go forth! Stand tall! You're a doctor!
— Dr. Tom Murphy VII, Ph.D.   (CSD 2008)
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Scott (ip70-179-94-234.dc.dc.cox.net) – 06.01.09 07:55:59
Wow, congrats Dr. Tom 7, man. I will come to you if I ever have a broken ankle, and by ankle I mean lambda or something.
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Scott (ip70-179-94-234.dc.dc.cox.net) – 06.02.09 00:19:15
Wait. Did I misread this, and you actually got your PhD a while back? I thought there was some holdup like for your thesis to be reviewed or something first. Shit I guess I'm just an idiot, never mind.
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spoons (aannecy-551-1-102-176.w92-153.abo.wanadoo.fr) – 06.02.09 04:42:44
Thanks for posting this as I somehow missed it at graduation. I must have been blinded by my newly confered wisdom.

Since I don't really have any other uses for it, I've taken to wearing mine around the kitchen while I'm cooking.
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Tom 7 (mobile-032-148-147-100.mycingular.net) – 06.02.09 10:36:09
Scott: yeah dude, I got doctored January 2008 (though officially graduated that May). Old news!
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Scott (ip70-179-94-234.dc.dc.cox.net) – 06.02.09 14:07:35
Man you should've been wearing a lab coat so I'd know. I think between January and May I was unsure whether you had a PhD and what the holdup was if not. Well, what are you up to these days then, aside from running and music and writing instruction sheets?
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